The Bravest Coward

The story of rodeo-rider, horse-wrangler and gay man Adam Sutton is much more than just a coming out story.

As told with the help of his mate, journalist Neil McMahon (who is himself also gay) it's a story about hope, love, loss and fear; about determination and desperation, and how far we we go to hide from the truth about ourselves.

Perhaps most importantly, it is a deeply moving story about the pivotal relationships between our parents and ourselves. That said, it is very much a gay man's story, which makes it a human story, and one that will hit home for all who read it.

And yes, before anyone asks, I think I've developed a bit of a crush on Sutton while reading it; helped immensely by having lunch with him, McMahon and their publicist after last week's show... *blush*

Originally a newspaper article written by McMahon about his mate, 'the real gay cowboy', which appeared on the eve of the 2006 Academy Awards, when Heath Ledger stood a chance to win best actor for his role in the 'gay cowboy movie' Brokeback Mountain; and then an episode of Australian Story that moved me - and countless others - to tears, Adam's story is now a book, Say It Out Loud, that was published by Random House two weeks ago.

His life is a litany of tragedy: the self-loathing spawned by his conflicted sexuality that drove a younger Adam to reject family and friends; and his guilt over the death of another young man in a drunken car accident which led him to consider suicide only days before being sentenced to a prison term. It is also a story of adventure: prawn fishing and horse-breaking, working on remote Aboriginal communities, driving across the country single-handed, and slowly but surely, coming out.

Throughout this nomadic period of his life, Sutton describes himself as "the bravest coward" - throwing himself headlong into life-threatening danger as a means of distracting himself and others from what he viewed as his secret shame: his desire to love and be loved by other men.

Last week, I skimmed through Sutton's memoir prior to having the delightful experience of having him and Neil McMahon on my radio program. Such was the impact of the book that now I'm re-reading it properly, slowly, from cover to cover: and again, it is moving me to tears.

Adam Sutton's zest for life, his larrikan charm and innocence, and his frankness and honesty, coupled with Neil McMahon's precise, powerful prose, ensure that this is a book that will touch many people. Not just because it tells the story of one young man's struggle to truly accept his sexuality in a world of rough and ready (and ready to lash out at the unfamiliar) masculinity, but because it will resonate with anyone who has ever pushed away the people who loved them the most, no matter what the reason.

After I finish my copy I'm lending it to my mum. I'm also going to buy copies to send to my old high school in the country, because I'm sure there are still kids there who, like me back in the 1980's, would have walked taller after reading it. I strongly urge you to do the same.

Say It Out Loud: Journey of a Real Cowboy, by Adam Sutton and Neil McMahon, published by Random House, pb, 285pp, $34.95.